I feel like I have driven myself into the ground these past two weeks. That old familiar feeling: I am doing too much. I am overcommitted.
The difference this time, though: I have come to the conclusion that TAOpivot is not what I want to be doing for life.
I have not talked much about TAOpivot in the past month; I told friends that I would put the business on hold for about a month. Now, I am not sure if that will even be the case. When telling people what I do for a living, I have found that I end up mumbling my usual pitch about TAOpivot. Or, the spark has disappeared.
What am I to do next? I have kept myself busy ( and earning money!) with a few gigs with local startups in the time being. I realize I have reached my burn-out point with all the gigs floating around my head and around my work hours.
I have an idea of what I want to do next after TAOpivot, but I also am afraid of figuring out how to execute this idea.
Thus, I have been lost all weekend and today. My therapists say I should journal about this turmoil I feel; I have done so, but I have not come to any a-ha moment yet. It is hard for me to completely turn my back on what I have worked on in the past year, especially when there are still outstanding clients and prospects reaching out to me.
I just don’t care though.
That’s it, I suppose. That’s all I want to say for now.
Tonight is my final night in San Francisco; then, I will return to Denver where my heart truly belongs.
This trip was meant to be more about business for TAOpivot; however, it quickly became a trip of revisiting my past and having flashbacks to growing pains. I now realize how I really do not belong in this city anymore; that really, Denver has taken me by the hand and stolen me away for good. I don’t mind that. It’s good to close up the old wounds now.
Coincidentally, too, this trip came at a time of great change for me anyway. I hadn’t planned for it that way; I just thought I could duck out of Denver for a week before summer classes. All that has changed now as I go full-time with TAOpivot. I’m following my gut and I pray that this is the right direction to go.
My time here in San Francisco has been good for the past several days; seeing old friends, reflecting on our pasts together….I hear myself talking to them and hear a different Helene than when I lived here. I am more certain, more sure of myself and my direction in life. I see the glow in their faces as I talk about how things have been for me in Denver; I see that I have made the right choices in the past two years.
Oh, where has the year gone? It’s already June and my last update was on Pi Day (03/14). What to say after being away for several months?
Well, time always shows that changes are inevitable. My point in life right now is so different from my previous post that I am still taking time to fathom all that has happened.
I made a big life decision last week. And right now I am in limbo between happiness (that I am following my calling) and panic (oh snap, need to get health insurance and other matters taken care of…eep!).
But, I am content with my decision. I’ve talked with a few close friends about this and they are 100% behind me. They said I may experience regret. So far only inklings leak into my mind.
Many times, life is very hard to explain. Things just kind of fall into my lap and then I wonder, “Now what?”
More updates coming in the next week. Lots of things happening for me in Denver now.
Nobody ever said graduate school was going to be a breeze. And I never doubted that either. But wow, I have neglected this blog for the past month. Luckily, I have kept a semi-regular schedule for My International MBA podcast episodes at least. Saturdays seem to be the best day to get material out.
I’m well settled into my apartment. Feng shui help from Catherine Grison is in the final stages, so soon I’ll take pictures. It takes awhile, mainly because I need to rearrange my priorities a lot.
I thought Camp NaNoWriMo would be all the “NaNo-ing” I’d do this year, but I’m going to go ahead and do NaNoWriMo next month after all. I can’t help but get sucked in every year. I have more prep material for my novel, but alas, it all sits and gathers dust as the month of October whizzes by…
One Word, One Picture (OWOP) did pretty well for three-fourths of the year. I decided that I would end my OWOP adventure at the start of September because my picture-taking had dwindled…and then came school. This month I’ve started back with near-daily picture-taking again, but I’d rather re-start OWOP in 2012 than pick up where I left off.
Speaking of 2012: anyone want to join in with OWOP next year? Let me know: helene at helenekwong dot com
So, it may appear I haven’t updated this blog since March. Not true at all; I was merely backdating a lot of entries in the first three months of this year. And then I fell behind. So my attempt at The Daily Post has failed. But, I figured it was too trivial of a quest for me to get stressed out over.
There’s been a lot going on in the past three months though, especially being back in my hometown. I don’t mean to sound cliche, but I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. Questioning. Grappling with my own mind.
Because in the end, that’s what I need to be taking care of anyway: my own mind, my own life, myself. For so long, I put myself second to everyone else around me. I felt I had to take care of everyone, that they needed me or else they wouldn’t survive. Meanwhile, I suffered mentally and emotionally for myself.
Only now, with my own control taken away from me (ever so slightly by my parents), I realize all this time that I should have been focusing on myself more than anything.
And I should be treating myself a lot better than I have been.
So that’s the sum of all that’s happened these past three months. More will be written about specific topics soon.