Category: life

Categories
death driving life Life Decisions

Stop; think.

Say you’re speeding along on a road, skipping a few stop signs here and there because you’re late for some sort of appointment/party/meet-up/etc. You’re racing the clock and you can’t be bothered with paying attention to traffic rules.

Say you’re a pedestrian walking along in your neighborhood, observing all the stop signs and making sure the coast is clear.

Suddenly, a car comes zooming out of nowhere and the driver neglects to stop for you.

You are the driver. You see the pedestrian one second too late.

The pedestrian is suddenly on top of your hood. And the pedestrian is no more.

Now, you think to yourself “Did I really need to be in a hurry to get to wherever I was going?”

Was it all worth killing someone over? Running over an innocent pedestrian?

Think about it next time you get into your car.

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family life Who I Am

Re-start–

It’s the first Monday back to work after five weeks of recovery and rest. Day by day, I continue to be in disbelief over the series of events that have occurred in the past month. Life is as it is, and many times we can’t fully explain if this is all real or just a hazy dream.

I’ve been in the process of rearranging things in my life, including my goals and my timeline. Sometimes we forget to slow down and enjoy each moment; we’re always on the go to find the next best thing, impatient to have time pass by a lot faster.

It’s amazing to see how easy it is for people to brush off long absences from the Internet as just “a hiatus” and nothing more. People move on from the Internet and its amusements everyday; friends come and go even in the virtual world, as some find out that they would rather spend time building relationships in the real world than the virtual world. People move on; when an online friend disappears for a long time, you may just think “Well, they’ve moved on with their life and they have better things to do than the Internet.”

I wish I could say that the past month away from the Internet was just a simple hiatus, but it wasn’t. At the time being, I am not ready to disclose fully what had happened to me–the memories are still too fresh for me, as are the feelings that are brought up when I think about the incident and how my family suffered through that first week watching me as I teetered back to life after that near-death experience.

For now, though, I will distance myself from that situation and start back on my life, however normal it can be now. There’s a time for everything, and right now, the time is to focus on the present and moving forward.

Categories
goals life Novel 1 Year in Review

2009 Reflections & 2010 Goals

I might as well write my “remembering 2009” entry now, as I may not have much time to reflect during the last days of the year. I’m currently far away from a place I used to call home, and I’ve been contemplating a lot about what this next year, 2010, has in store for me.

This year has been a good year for me, writing-wise, but of course, with any progress, there’s always a few steps taken backwards as well. I launched my domain, helenekwong.com, earlier this year to be ambitious about my writing, to get the word out. The website has drawn a decent number of viewings, but I admit that it’s pretty plain in terms of design. I’ve posted short stories on my website and through other outlets such as Scribd and GoodReads; was featured on Scribd for my story, “From Riches to Rags”, which really helped my online presence. Later in the year, I was featured on the “i live here:SF” project. I’d say these two instances were great accomplishments through the online world.

Aside from these recognitions, I’ve also kept myself busy online with contributions to Muni Diaries, blogging on “Cinnamon Juice” (my food blog; currently on hiatus), and writing reviews on Yelp!. I’d say indeed that it has been a busy year on the Internet for myself.

In terms of my writing progress: I began 2009 with a lot of vigor for editing and revising my first novel. However, as is typical of some writers, I began to get distracted with other projects (writing and non-writing related), and have put my editing on hold. I hit a dry spot in inspiration early in the year, and attempted to muster up that Muse through writing exercises found in books. I’ve written a few short stories through online prompts and daily observations, but have yet to get around to finalizing the stories for public reading. NaNoWriMo this year was difficult for me, as November was a really trying time for myself in my personal life. My novel is still unfinished, but I do not feel as sad about it as I thought I would; I understand sometimes that other priorities must take place in my life, and that, sadly, my writing has to take a backseat when it comes to these other priorities.

Do I regret not writing as much, not featuring as much, from this year? No. Life happens, and, as much as I’d like to focus more on my writing, I understand that I have other dreams and goals that must take my full concentration at times. I already have some plans for 2010 though:

  1. Really, seriously, edit and revise Novel 1 and get it ready for agents. Out of all the first drafts I have written so far, Novel 1 is the most promising for the public. The other novels are still promising as well, but they have a lot of kinks that I need to work out over time. However, ever since writing Novel 1 two years ago, the plot still holds onto me as I think about the story and how it unfolded when I first pounded out that draft. I had begun the process of editing/revising earlier this year, and I had hoped to have the book ready for agents before June. As we all know now, that didn’t happen; I will seriously focus on getting this draft ready by April 2010 at the latest. I’ll track my progress here so you all can keep me on track.
  2. Write/Edit/Revise/Post one short story per month (12 all year). It seems like too little, but it’d actually be a lot for me to do this. It’ll be something to look forward to each month, right?

There will be more goals along the way as the year starts out; for now, I hope you, my readers, will keep these two in mind and help keep me on track.

In the meantime, I wish you all a wonderful end-of-2009 and many great things in 2010.

Categories
#amreading feelings life memories

Planting Thoughts & Fountains of Conversation

This day has already started off on a strangely nice note.

I was perhaps a little groggy this morning before my commute; couldn’t muster up enough energy to have a full-blown workout so I did yoga instead. I didn’t even have my morning tea or coffee before I hopped onto the bus…

While on the bus, I immediately whipped out the book I’ve been reading, Three Cups of Tea, which one of my sisters had recommended to me. I began reading this book last Monday and already I’m over halfway through with the book. It’s a truly inspirational read, and what makes it even more inspirational/invigorating to my spirit is that it all is true. I was reading Chapter 15, which was about Mr. Greg Mortenson in action with building more schools in Pakistan (after the initial school in Korphe was completed). It’s a series of encounters that were destined, of meetings that were more than mere coincidences.

The chapter planted a thought in my head as I prepared to get off the bus; I was lost in this thought for a few seconds when suddenly I was jarred back to reality by a kind fellow bus rider’s comment about the book I held in my hands. “That is quite a wonderful read, isn’t it?” the man said to me. I was taken aback by his comment, but I nodded quickly in acknowledgement. By that point, we were both getting off the bus, so there was no time to really seek a further conversation. That small encounter itself was enough to put me in a good mood….

And then, I entered into the building where I work, and the bodyguard downstairs was a different person from the usual morning bodyguard. She stopped me before I went up the elevator and also made a comment about the book I held in my hands. “Wow, that book, I’ve seen it everywhere–“

That icebreaker broke open a fountain of conversation over general life topics, how our parents’ outlooks on life differ from ours, the opportunities/hardships we ourselves seek out in the circumstances we are given, and so forth. Most of the time I was just the listener in the discussion, but it was still refreshing to have such an encounter, even before work. It wasn’t at all awkward, either; just good, genuine talk with a new acquaintance.

It was a great way to start off an already full day, and I can’t help but keep this smile upon my face. Just goes to show that, even in this anonymous world of a city, personal touch can still exist.

Categories
death family life love memories mistake reflection Who I Am

When one takes another for granted;

Disclaimer: Today’s entry touches upon a more personal issue than usual entries. Please read with an open mind.

Too often, I read stories (real life, no doubt) about how people had neglected their relationships with loved ones, only to have their loved ones pass away/die suddenly in the end. The people who neglected the relationships, they were taking the relationships for granted, thinking “I’m too busy, but they’ll always be there when I’m not busy.”

It’s sad to say, it happens a lot, since I continue to find stories like this strewn across the magazines I read and on the Internet.

We, as humans, are all guilty of this feeling. Even I am, with the death of my paternal grandmother almost ten years ago. Even though so much time has passed, I still feel guilt over how I was acting on the very last day she was alive. I was just a young teenager, sure; just wanted to spend more time with my friends, all of whom I don’t even talk to in the present time. My mother had to practically drag me to my grandparents’ house that day so I could pay a visit to my ailing grandmother. It wasn’t that I disliked my grandmother; I loved her very dearly. Yet, seeing her sick, bed-ridden–it was a pain that I wanted to try to avoid, to try to mask myself from.

So, on that day, even though I was there to visit her, I was in denial of her health, the preciousness of her life. I wanted to avoid the thought. I thought to myself, “She’ll be better soon.” And I took for granted the time that I had left with her.

The next morning, my father told me how my grandmother had passed away the previous night, after having another stroke.

At that point, I tried so hard in vain to make up for the time that was lost between my grandmother and I. In the final months of her life, I spent little time with her due to my denial, but also due to my being “too busy” with marching band, school, etc. Even though I was only a young teenager at that point, I was still thinking then–“I’m too busy.”

—————————————

What goes around, comes around.

I find myself these days, feeling worse and worse about a lot of things in my life. I fear my health is failing in many ways, and I try to reach out for help. However, over the years, I have pushed away many friendships, many people who wanted to help me. But I kept saying, “I’m okay” and let the people go their way.

The few friends I have kept around, we, in turn, have taken each other for granted. Right now, I feel thoroughly neglected by the few I had thought were my closest friends. The other day, after feeling a horribly emotional low, I tried contacting those friends to seek comfort, solace.

Nobody answered, and even though one did, they said they could not talk, because they were “too busy”.

It was like a knife through my already bleeding heart. Here, I find myself left alone, with nobody to lean upon. And the thought continues to eat away at me–what if, suddenly, something happened to me? Would anyone care? Would anyone regret?

“I’m too busy.”

Saying this to someone in need is essentially an emotional murder. How come we, as humans, continue to do such a thing to one another? We say we love, we say we care, yet when the ones we love need us the most, we say “No” and go on with our own lives. Why?