I have thought about meditation a lot this month. My sister-in-law wants us to take a class/workshop together on how to properly meditate. So far, we haven’t found anything short-term.
Why do I feel I need meditation? Well, don’t we all need it to stay centered in our lives? I’ve researched online programs for meditation and…well, just need another outlet for my emotions. I’ve read in articles how meditation and prayer have a subtle difference; I wish to discover this difference for myself.
Life is always confusing me. Is there really only one part of life that confuses me the most?
So many things happen that continue to astound me. The building blocks of life, fate, destiny. I continue to wonder, “So, what if I hadn’t registered for that class? What if I hadn’t decided to go out that night?” Some things happen just in such unexplainable ways.
A lot of “What If’s” for a parallel universe. And all those questions will never be answered because life is as it is. I cannot ask what could have happened if one element had been different. I don’t need to know.
One thing I have learned recently is how to handle myself and take care of myself more.
Ok, sounds vague. But that’s the truth.
This past weekend I spent time meditating on my personal defects and wondering “What’s wrong? What can I fix about MYSELF?”
I have noticed about myself that I tend to want to control or fix others more than myself. I get hung up over others’ defects and in turn that stresses me out.
I’ll admit, my nature of caring a lot for others morphs into me becoming a controlling personality. If one thing goes wrong, I go ballistic. If someone I love chooses something I don’t approve of, I grow bitter.
It certainly isn’t a way to live. And only after meditating about this did I realize I need to change myself. I need to show myself more love.
Hey Helene,
You probably don’t know me yet. I’m your 26-year-old self. Crazy, right? You definitely didn’t recognize me when you first saw me.
What I am about to tell you might shock you a bit but also put you at ease. I know right now you are hung up over boys (like any other adolescent girl), but you are also so intent on proving to others you are a great trumpet player. I won’t say you aren’t, because I do believe you have a lot of potential and focus.
One thing I wish to tell you about boys: stop chasing the ones who won’t show you the affection you desire. Does chasing ever bring about a great result? Sure, wild predators chase and get their prey and enjoy their fruits of labor. But those are animals. When humans chase humans, rarely does it turn out in the chaser’s favor.
There will be a special someone in your life. Just not right now. Focus on your studies first, as Mommy has told you countless times.
And, Helene. About your talent in music: it is a beautiful gift, and I only wish you could have kept it up after that first year in college. That’s okay; what I want you to know right now is that you don’t have to feel like it’s all or nothing with your music. Don’t you feel any other passions coming forth? What happened to your writing from your elementary days? Do you have a mind for business like your parents and your elder siblings? Why don’t you explore that?
And then, about your weight. It feels like it will never come off, all those pounds. I know growing up with a lot of stick-thin classmates does not bode well on your self-esteem. I remember that feeling very well of going to buy that first pair of jeans, only to see that I had to wear a size 16…way before the teenage years! But here, Helene: IT GETS BETTER. To this day, I still can’t explain to myself how it all happened, but it happened: all that weight melted away! Oh, of course I am still wanting to gain more muscle (and lose that pooch on my belly). But honest to goodness, you are going to LOSE IT. And you are going to amaze all those who grew up around you as a girl who wore size 18 jeans and size XXL shirts.
Some things I want you to keep the same over the next ten years: Keep up that smile. Keep up that obsession with shoes (it gets fancier as you grow older!). And stay confident and focused on whatever passion comes up. Never lose hope and keep your eyes straight ahead.
Sincerely,
Helene
Today’s topic:
Have you ever lied about your age? Why?
Funny you ask me this. Because frankly I haven’t lied about my age before (I’m one of those overly honest people); instead, I have had ages dictated to me because of my appearance.
Once, my sister and I had gone into Applebee’s for dinner. The waitress immediately came up and asked us, “Want some Long Island Iced Teas?” At that point, we were only 15 years old (me) and 19 years old (my sister).
On my 21st birthday, I was elated that I could order my own alcoholic drink. I went out with my mom and sister for this momentous occasion. Our waiter? Didn’t even card me. Isn’t that illegal not to card even a legally-aged person?
Oh, and let’s not forget the times when I was mistaken as my niece’s and nephews’ mother. Different outings, but still the same outcome.
Stranger: “Hey, you guys are cute! Guess why? MOMMY!” (stranger points at me)
Me: ……..
Niece: “They’re silly! You’re not my mom! I’ll go tell them!”
Me: “No, that’s not necessary….”
So, despite the fact that I feel like I look my age (26 years old), I come off as being someone older, wiser, more mature. Not a bad thing at all, but it can be irritating sometimes.