Categories
feelings time Who I Am

Reading in real-time/Nightmares

I had a nightmare last night.

I was reading a thick book and experiencing all the contents of the book in real-time. At one point, I looked out the window and saw a plume of dark grey smoke. It permeated through the air and, although I was safe inside the building, I started to hear people screaming outside.

Everyone was turning into zombies, or simply just undead.

Those of us who were inside, we tried to save ourselves, but one by one dropped and became a zombie.

Many years later, the epidemic dissipated and I found myself at the same age I had been when the zombies began to appear.

I found my family home and saw that my family was safe and also looked the same in age.

We were happy to have each other, but we heard that there were still some zombies roaming in the wild.

 

 

Then, I woke up.

Categories
feelings

Lofty goals & lacking time management

Sweet on Yelp! Elite Event

Sitting here, post-painting. I’ve been doing this workshop by Connie Hozvicka called BIG. I just painted a not-so-distant memory and it has scared me. I need to take a moment to reflect.

I seem to go back-and-forth with good and “bad” time management. This whole month of February, I have been so caught up in everything that my time schedule has slid backwards. And so went the good habits of sleeping by 11pm, waking by 6am, having allotted times for homework, business planning, writing, painting, etc. … My “me” time has gone away.

Many times in the past month I have wondered if I really need this degree. I sit in my classes, unable to see why I came back to school. But then a moment of rationality/reason comes to me as I remind myself, “Don’t you want that foundation?”

I have lofty goals for myself. And I cannot be scared away just because of stress or time management skills slipping away.

Hell, I didn’t survive that car accident only to give up on my dreams.

 

Categories
celebrity death feelings

Death, Depression, Society: Whitney Houston & Leslie Carter

  In the past day, I’ve heard and read about two celebrities’ deaths due to drug overdoes/depression/et. al.: Whitney Houston and Leslie Carter (sister of Nick and Aaron Carter). So far, no cause of death has been released regarding Houston, but spectators on social media have already assumed it was due to drug overdose. Carter was addicted to her prescription drugs to treat her anxiety and depression.

And again, society perpetuates the assumption: depressed/mentally ill = drug overdose/crazy/etc.

Houston deserved it. She was a druggie. Why are you sad/surprised she died?

It stings to read these words from those who will never understand the pain of a loved one falling into the trap of drugs to cure emotional pain.

Would you say this same thing to your sister who is battling a drug problem? Your own child? Your best friend?

Over time, especially since my own diagnosis two years ago, I have noticed how society continues to make depression/mental illness such a stigma. It is “wrong” to seek help for my depression. Because I am depressed, I am crazy. Because I had a public meltdown in San Francisco, I am deemed crazy. I had to go to an inpatient facility for a week after that. While there, though, I realized so many of the other patients were battling the same disease: depression. And yet, we were all perfectly normal, human, as well. We just needed a little more help and support.

Once, I had a colleague say to our other colleague, “Good thing you didn’t stay with your ex-boyfriend [because he is suicidal]. You don’t want to end up with a crazy person!” I sat there, feeling the sting of the statement and wanting to lash out in defense.

Do you believe that those who admit publicly that they are depressed that they are crazy? Do you feel they should keep it to themselves?

I have no shame in explaining my situation to those who care to listen. I know I am a stronger person for the help I have sought and the medication I take. I am healing, but I also still have moments of unrest.

It is a shame how our world works, to where stars like Houston, Carter, and even Amy Winehouse are ridiculed during their lives and after they pass away. Yes, drug use is terrible. But, can we not pull away that layer and realize that underneath, there are sad souls wanting help from others?

It is time for us to re-examine ourselves and our thoughts. Not everyone out there using drugs/abusing alcohol/etc. is “crazy”. Ask them what their story is. You may be surprised that their story is just like yours, only a little darker.

Categories
feelings

Daily Post Day 65: Reading Minds For A Day

Creep into others’ minds. Don’t we all want that?

 

For one full day, I’d want to read my loved ones’ minds. That would add to the cacophony already happening in my own mind. It would be troublesome: hearing all their thoughts as we talked, knowing what they really thought about me and other people we know.

Seething inner thoughts not uttered…it would be intriguing if not detrimental.

 

Categories
dir en grey feelings

Daily Post Day 51: Music That Cheers Me Up

Copyright Dir en grey

Those who follow me via my blog, Twitter, or Facebook should be familiar with my love for the Japanese rock band, Dir en grey. If not, you will be familiar with them (at least a tiny bit) after this post.

Today’s topic asks what kind of music cheers me up when I’m feeling down. Despite depressing, morbid lyrics (mostly in Japanese), Dir en grey’s music calms me down and sometimes even causes me to drift off to a peaceful sleep.

Something about the rhythms, the melodies. The sadness, torture in lead singer Kyo’s voice…it speaks to me. Even in my darkest times, listening to Dir en grey calms me down and helps me get back to rational thinking.

The power of music is amazing to me.