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Asian-American Who I Am

“Where are you {REALLY} from?”

I come from the sky, the mountains, the earth...
I come from the sky, the mountains, the earth…

Every time I hear this question, I immediately go on the defensive. This person thinks I’m from Asia! Gosh! Yet, I’m not entirely wrong on assuming what the other party thinks; most people will profile me on the way I look to determine how they should speak with me.

I actually dreamt last night that I was waiting in line at a library, waiting to ask a question, and I was  ignored by the librarians; they instead wanted to help out the non-Asian patrons behind me. In the dream, I ran off yelling about how rude, disrespectful, etc. the librarians were.

Growing up, I experienced a lot of discrimination like this; even today, my family and I are discriminated against. Whenever I go to the store with my mom back home, the cashier is always cheery to the customer in front (and behind!) us; when we get to the front of the line, the cashier immediately looks down, doesn’t raise his/her eyes to us, and doesn’t try to conjure up conversation.

We speak English, you know.

When I first started getting the question of “Where are you from?” in my adult life, I’d wrestle with my answer for a good few minutes. Do I tell them I’m from China? But wait, I wasn’t even born there and have only visited once. Do they want me to say I’m from China or somewhere in Asia? et .al.

I’ve received this question many times since moving to Denver, and nowadays I’ve perfected my answer to this: “I’m from Virginia. How about you?” And it seems that this is the best way to reply back to the question. Oftentimes I feel that the other party does want me to say I’m from somewhere in Asia, but by answering with my home state, I nip that thought in the bud. Sometimes I get the follow-up question of “Where are your parents from?”

Sometimes I get the jerkish question, “No, where are you REALLY from?” And at that point I just want to drive it home with a Southern accent: “I’m from southwestern VirGINeeya, thank ya very much. Where are y’all from? Wesconsin?”

Categories
Birthday Memories memories Who I Am

Thoughts About my Upcoming Birthday

Funny how I haven’t blogged since October. Oh well…

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Since the beginning of the year (last week), I’ve been making plans for my birthday.

Not just small plans….BIG PLANS.

 

I’m sure many of my friends, acquaintances, colleagues, wonder why I’m making a big deal out of my birthday. Yes, it IS my birthday, but why all the extra bells and whistles?

 

I’ve been feeling down most of this week with the response I’ve received for a fancy dinner…to the point that just 30 minutes ago I pivoted 180 degrees to have the party at a much lower price point in order to accommodate my guests accordingly.

 

So you wonder….why should I bend to the will of my guests? Shouldn’t they bend to MY will?

Not so, when most of the people I know are broke/have tight budgets.

 

I don’t blame them for this, no way. I too am on a tight budget. But what hurts me more from the declined invitations is the visceral feeling I get: that, to some people, it’s just another birthday party. Just another person’s birthday.

 

I don’t feel this way about my own birthday. In the past three years, I haven’t felt this way about my birthday. Instead, my birthday has become some sort of monument to myself: a super special day, in which I must celebrate to the fullest because of what happened to me in 2010.

 

It’s still an unbelievable story to me, especially since I was not conscious at all during the whole incident. When you nearly lose your life ON your birthday, there’s much to be thankful about and much to celebrate.

This memory is one that I’d like to forget, but it’ll only take time to have the memory go further and further away.

So this is how I’ve felt about my birthday since 2010. A lot of celebration, a lot of appreciation.

 

I don’t want others to think it’s “just another birthday”. I want those who are close to me to know–this is a commemoration of my survival. This is me, defying death, still kicking and fighting on this side of the world.

Categories
family feelings Who I Am

And so it is.

No fear in standing before others.

I broke the news to my parents last night about my big life decision.

At first, they were bewildered, perhaps slightly angry. But then they calmed down, or psyched themselves out, with words of encouragement for TAOpivot ‘s future success and that I don’t need an advanced degree to have my own company.

I was expecting much worse of a reaction, but thank goodness for clients rolling in already (slowly, but surely). Still, I spent the day today anticipating a phone call from my dad, angrily spewing “WHY DID YOU LEAVE SCHOOL” to me. But, he didn’t.

Even if my dad decided to blow up at me, I need to learn to not be so sensitive. A lot of times, I worry about telling my parents many things because I worry about what they’d think and say to me. I suppose I have these same fears with other loved ones as well; I worry too much about what they may think if they knew everything about me.

In the end, though, I know I cannot control how others think of me; I can only control my reactions, my thoughts, etc. There’s only so much life to live; I’d rather spend my time working on TAOpivot and other things I enjoy than worrying about others’ opinions about me.

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death family Who I Am

A Beautiful Life.

Last night, received news that a long-time family friend passed away from pancreatic cancer. She survived longer than expected, but it still shocks the system to realize that she’s now gone.

Life is so incredibly short. I found myself feeling terrible about how I get caught up in petty drama. Why not just let that go & live life to the fullest?

We take others for granted so much. One moment they are there to greet us; the next moment, they are gone. Why do we continue to act as if we will live forever? That our loved ones will always be there for us?

I remember last year, when I was about to leave my hometown and move to Denver. We had a birthday party for her & she gave my sister and me going-away gifts: the necklace shown below.

She said to us,

“Never forget where you came from.”

And, I won’t. Her family has helped our family out so much. Now, to make her spirit proud…I won’t give up.

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Categories
observation Who I Am

How Do You Say My Name?

I used to be quite sensitive when it came to how people would pronounce my name.

(I’m feeling a little deja-vu writing this….have I talked about this before?)

When I was in elementary school, I became upset around Valentine’s Day..ALL THE TIME. This was mainly because we were to exchange V-Day cards with our classmates…and none of my classmates ever spelled my name right.

“HELLEN”

“HELENA”

“HELEN”

“HELEEN”

– sad face –

Growing up, it’s always been an issue when I introduce myself–somehow people never know how to pronounce “Helene”.

“Helen?”

“Elaine?”

“Eileen?”

“Pauline?”

I must say my name strangely or something. When it came to meeting people only once, I’d let them say “Helen” because it was easier to let them say that than to correct them & never meet them again.

I used to get prickly about closer friends saying “Helen”.

Over the weekend, I realized that it doesn’t matter. My mentor and her family called me “Helen” the whole evening I was at their house. I found the way they said “Helen” was very endearing. And I didn’t have the heart to correct them.

After that night, I wondered if there’s a way for me to stylize my name; make it into “Helen/e” so people can call me either interchangeably. It’s a weird thought. But it’s possible. “Helen” is growing on me, although I prefer “Helene” more because of its uniqueness.

Well, we shall see….