Category: #30postsbefore30

Another item I wanted to cross off my 30 Things To Do Before 30 List: attend a one-day meditation retreat. During 2012-2013, I was very interested in meditation, thanks to my friends at Mayu Sanctuary. I dropped by the sanctuary several times a week to partake in drop-in meditation and a few of the classes offered there. One thing I hadn’t committed to though was a one-day meditation retreat, so when I saw on the Mayu calendar that they were going to have a retreat at the end of that month, I registered.

The retreat was on a Sunday at Mayu Sanctuary. I arrived early with my meditation cushion, my lunch and snack for the day, and some water. The room was already buzzing with other participants. I found a spot off to the side at the end of one of the back rows and got myself settled in.

Our retreat was going to be facilitated by Ajahn Thanasanti Bhikkhuni (or simply, Amma), a Buddhist nun from Colorado Springs. She helped us get settled in and led us through a few guided meditations. Even though I had practiced some meditation before, I couldn’t help but become restless during each session. Amma’s voice was very soothing though, and we got through the guided meditations all right. Before lunch, we had also spent some time doing walking meditation, which I hadn’t tried before.

At lunchtime, we ate our foods quietly and also brought offerings to give to Amma (I forget the reason why, unfortunately). The afternoon session was shorter, but still an insightful experience: we did some chanting, where Amma chanted a few lines and we repeated back to her the same line. We also discussed “qi/chi” and experienced some of it through a small exercise.

By the end of the day, I thought I was going to feel rejuvenated and wiser. However, because it was the first time for me to sit still so long in meditation, I was quite restless at the end of the day and couldn’t wait to get out of the retreat.

Don’t get me wrong: it was a wonderful experience. I learned more about Buddhist meditation and felt honored to have had Amma as our facilitator for the day.

If I were to try a one-day meditation retreat again, though, I’d make sure to prepare myself a lot better so I won’t feel so restless at the end of the day again!

I received an email the other day that made me think out loud, “You know, I think God is telling me I need to forgive this person.” I didn’t even have to think about it; I knew to take the situation as an invitation to open communication again and forgive the person for the past.

I held grudges in my past: there were some friendships that fizzled away over things that seemed so important at the moment but nowadays, I can’t even recall what had happened to make us angry at one another. I lost friendships over petty things in middle school, high school, college, and even post-college.

The first time one of these former friends came forth to me to apologize and express forgiveness towards me, we were seniors in high school. This friend had moved away and had messaged me on AIM to let me know that she no longer had hard feelings towards me. It all seemed incredulous: at that point, of course, whatever we had fought about was still fresh in my mind (despite the fight happening probably during freshman year); although I replied and said I also forgave her, I didn’t believe my own words. We were amicable with one another for a little bit after that, and then we drifted apart again as we both went off to college and she got married.

Only after the hurt subsided from that friendship (and, well, I forgot about what we had fought about), did I finally decide to forgive her. But by that time, it didn’t matter anymore because we weren’t talking anymore. The moment was gone.

Another instance of forgiveness occurred around four years ago: a good friend of mine had asked if I wanted to see a particular mutual friend of ours while I was visiting Virginia. When he had asked me this question, my mind flashed back to all the pain the three of us had gone through in college, when the falling out had occurred. I then smiled and said to him, “Of course we can all hang out together; what’s the problem? I’ve moved past that stuff from college.” And I really had; I didn’t have hard feelings towards her anymore, and I didn’t really get to express my forgiveness towards her until that trip. The three of us met up and I could just sense the feeling of relief wash over all of us, especially my two friends.

Life’s too short to hold onto past hurts, especially when I can’t quite remember anymore what had made me so upset in the first place. I have learned over time that really, to forgive someone is to move on with life and let go of the past.

Ever since I entered grade school, I have had friends from all walks of life. Some of those friends I’ve lost touch with ages ago; some I still keep in touch with. There have been some “falling out” with a few old friends, but most of them, we just lost touch.

From time to time, I’ll think about old friends and wonder how their lives are these days. I used to have a hard time letting go of old friendships: I used to wonder how and why we had lost touch, and why we couldn’t be friends any longer. I used to send out many emails/messages to these old friends to try to reconnect but to no avail.

These days, I understand and accept this: people really do come and go in life. Some people stay in my life for a long time while others are only there for even just a day. I may strike up a conversation with a complete stranger one day and they’ll have inspired me for that time period; however, I may never run into them again. And that’s ok.

There are only at most about a handful of friends I’ve known for over ten years, and even then, sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever lose touch despite the longevity of our friendships. But when we reunite, I see that we usually pick up right where we left off, as if time and distance hadn’t really occurred.

How many of my current friends will I still be in touch with ten years from now? It’s  hard to say; just have to keep swimming along with life’s current, though.

Karaoke is one of my favorite activities: when I started college, I discovered Asian-style karaoke with my friends since we lived near a large Korean community. We went to karaoke on the weekends and got our own private room to sing our hearts out for several hours. When I studied abroad in Japan in 2006, I was in karaoke heaven: karaoke places all over Tokyo and very cheap!

Sometime in the past several years, I realized I hadn’t done American-style karaoke before: the kind where you get up in front of a bar and sing to a tipsy/drunk audience. Even though I felt nervous singing in front of strangers, I suggested hitting up a karaoke bar to some friends in Denver. We went to a Czech bar on a Saturday night and put in a few of our songs into the queue.

We stayed for a couple hours, cheering on other participants and waiting for our songs to appear in the queue. I felt a rush each time I went up to sing; despite the audience being drunk/tipsy, it was fun to hear them cheering me on. After that first time, I have been to American-style karaoke several more times in Denver, Las Vegas, and Austin.

I still prefer Asian-style karaoke (I enjoy singing in front of friends more than drunk strangers), American-style karaoke is still a great activity for me to do with friends. I am glad I got this crossed off my 30 Things Before 30 List though.

Growing up, I have always been a people pleaser: never wanting to cause trouble for anyone, always seeking approval from others. Perhaps it was a part of the way I was brought up, to put others before myself.

I have always struggled with my body image since I was little: I was a chubby kid and I was picked on a lot. My parents were under the impression that I was just meant to be a “big” woman. Then I lost 60 lbs between 2006-2007 and proved that I was able to lose weight and look healthy. My weight then proceeded to yo-yo around 10-20lbs from 2007-2010.

Then, the 2010 accident happened and I gained a little weight during the time I was on bedrest and my parents stayed in San Francisco with me and my brother for a full month. During that time, I also started dating my ex. Things with him were fine until about a month into our relationship…

-Pokes at my stomach-

“You need to lose weight.”

“Huh? Yes, I know…”

“If you don’t lose weight, I am going to break up with you.”

His words hit me like a ton of bricks as I let it all sink in. I didn’t want to lose him, so I started working out again…and this time, I overdid it (compared to my previous experiences with working out). I exercised and dieted almost to the extreme just to keep him happy, keep him around.

Only in hindsight now do I see how miserable I was. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to get back into shape anyway, but in 2010, I wasn’t doing the health and fitness for my own happiness: I was doing it for my ex’s happiness and his approval.

Even as I watched the scale drop down to my lightest weight of 145 lbs, it still wasn’t good enough for him.

“You still need to lose your stomach.”

I wasn’t going to make him happy, even though I felt pretty happy and content with my weight loss.

Since that relationship ended, I have gained the weight back, but I am actively working on getting into the best shape of my life in a much healthier way this time. This time, I am working out and eating well for my OWN happiness, not for anyone else’s.